I am a logical person, almost to a fault.  Years ago when I was trying to explain something of significance to my husband, he said I had my own kind of logic.  That is how "Jackilogic" was born.

My husband of 26 years died 76 days ago and I miss him more than all that is logical in life.

I think I am finally getting used to calling myself a "widow" although I must admit in my head I always think of a black widow spider, so maybe I am not used to it all.  I still sleep on my side of the bed, think of all the things I want to tell him throughout the day, and keep thinking he will walk into the room when I least expect it.

But really how does one get used to it?  You are one half of a whole.  What you knew of life is now challenged and changed.  The person who could speak to your heart without any words, can no longer answer. The world just doesn't seem quite as bright and the waves of grief still keep coming. They come when you least expect and over the simplest of thoughts.  They take your breath away, immobilize your mind and seize your heart, you can only give in to the pain and ride the wave until it ends.  This I know is true, this is my life on some days.

And yet the logic in my mind seems to always bring me back.  I can't help but think and process that he would hate to see me give up, he would hate to know I hurt.  Death is part of life, we have no say. He didn't choose it nor did I.  It isn't his fault and it isn't mine.  We will all die someday, for him it was sooner.  So I hold this thought in my head and remind myself that wanting him to be happy was important to me and that shouldn't end with his death.

So I use my logic and I get myself up.  I give myself permission to be happy.  I know it is ok to laugh, to live and to just keep moving. I smile to myself every time I succeed because I know he is smiling too.  I make a list of all the funny, interesting things I will get to tell him someday and when I am doing something especially fun, I imagine him right be side me, enjoying it too.

Yes, I know the days and waves of grief will come, today happens to be one of them.  

But I know tomorrow will bring the sun, the air and the knowledge that I am so lucky to live another day.  

When you have tomorrow; you have hope, you have chance, you have change and you have life.

Tomorrow I will start the day knowing...
                        he misses me always,
                             he loves me still
                                  and when I say something funny, 
                                         I still make him laugh.