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The Story of the Urn It was 10 months and 7 days since the best part of my soul had shattered and left this earth and it was the day before my first birthday without him.  I knew the gift was coming, long awaited and anticipated.  I thought I was ready to receive it. It came in a big box at the end of the day.  I knew what was in there and I knew it would be beautiful because it was made with great love and care by an artist who's talent is evident in each detail he weaves into his work.  Yet I stared at that box, afraid to open it, knowing it held the final resting place of the love of my life.  The wait was finally over and yet it had come so soon. I finally told myself that I was strong, I was brave and I could do this.  I tried to fool myself into believing it was just a birthday gift and that I should feel the excitement of all that the box must contain.  I said I wouldn't cry, that I would be happy. So I opened the box. It was packed w...
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GRIEF IN PHASES I believe in the 5 stages of grief.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.   I also believe there are two phases of grief. Every one's journey through the grief process is different.  Maybe as unique as our DNA.  I can only tell you about mine, this time around, and trust me I have gotten really good at grieving. I haven't written a blog in a few weeks because I have been fighting the toughest spell of grief so far. If grief truly comes in waves, this one has caused me to lose my heading and I have been unable to keep the shore in my line of sight. This pain, that I cannot explain or even give a name to, has covered  my soul.  It isn't just emotional or physical. It is both conscious and unconscious. To define it with a description of words feels so inadequate. GRIEF (PHASE ONE) The first phase of grief is identifiable by being able to make the pain subside in some way, some how and for some amount of time.  ...
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A Fish Named Dave Grief does funny things to a person.  And I do mean funny.  For me right after my husband died, I wanted to nest, and I also wanted a new puppy.  Unfortunately I already have too many animals so it was no to the puppy (or kitten, wanted one of them too).   Then I just wanted something electronic, with whistles and bells, that plugs in or has batteries.  So I was going to get the Amazon Echo but then I found out you couldn't change her name from Alexa to Dave.  Yes, I missed talking to my husband.  We loved talking politics and current events.  There was never a subject we didn't like to discuss.  With all that is happening this election year, I miss hearing his opinions about all the bombshells hitting in October. I miss his voice, his humor and most of all his laughter.  I miss how he told me he loved me over and over again because it was our code word for all is well between us.   Yes, I knew I...
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I am a logical person, almost to a fault.  Years ago when I was trying to explain something of significance to my husband, he said I had my own kind of logic.  That is how "Jackilogic" was born. My husband of 26 years died 76 days ago and I miss him more than all that is logical in life. I think I am finally getting used to calling myself a "widow" although I must admit in my head I always think of a black widow spider, so maybe I am not used to it all.  I still sleep on my side of the bed, think of all the things I want to tell him throughout the day, and keep thinking he will walk into the room when I least expect it. But really how does one get used to it?  You are one half of a whole.  What you knew of life is now challenged and changed.  The person who could speak to your heart without any words, can no longer answer. The world just doesn't seem quite as bright and the waves of grief still keep coming. They come when you least expect and over the...
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